Ultimately you are your own guru

Ultimately, you are your own guru We have the habitual tendency to always rely on others and look to them to solve our issues. In a way, we need to do this when we are still dumbfounded or feel helpless and cannot draw strength from within ourselves. We need a model, a role guide, one that will direct us excellently onto the right path. This is the reason why to become a Buddhist, one has to take refuge in the Triple Gems. The Buddha, Dharma and the noble Sangha are the best guide, teacher, role model. Only they can bring us across the ocean of suffering to the shore of permanent happiness. In this degenerate time, we are not fortunate enough to meet the Buddha in person, nor can we meet the arhats, pratyeka buddhas or bodhisattvas. So we have to put our complete faith and trust in our compassionate guru who has been very kind to us, as our guru represents all the three Jewels. Ultimately however, the guru is not the one who can cause us to gain enlightenment and leave all suffering. It is ourselves that we have to rely on. The guru is like the compass, but we have to use our own two feet to get to the destination. There is actually nothing to be obtained and there has never been anything we lost. Each individual sentient being has the perfect Buddha Nature, only that it has been clouded with our delusions and defilements. Do not just think you can rely on outer forces and influences all the time to get all you need or desire, why not tap into the wish fulfilling well of your own inner guru? This however does not mean that you should become proud or disrespectful to others, especially those who are or have been your teachers. It is a sure sign you are far from being enlightened. It also does not mean that you should disregard the advice of others, who you should keep in mind also have Buddha Nature and are probably far more enlightened than you. Be diligent in your practice and continue to serve your guru, listen, contemplate and meditate and get in touch with your inner guru.

The source of all problems

Where do all our sorrows and problems come from? The answer is: your deluded mind. We cannot control the environment and circumstances around us. Partly they appear due to our wrong choices in the past and karma from beginningless lives. Well, what is done is done. We can do confession for unripened karma but this will not help our present situation. But why is it that some people thrive due to adversities and some people wither? The difference is in the way the mind is trained. If you firmly believe that what is happening is real, if you think that it is never your fault, if you choose to wallow in self-pity, then who is to be blamed for your suffering? If you think that what is happening is like a nightmare which will soon pass, if you take this chance to think of all the other people in the same situation and arise compassion for them, if you do not choose to be sad but instead strive to do what is right in each situation, your mind will remain calm and happy. So what is your choice today, to suffer or be happy?

Don't stifle your creativity

We are all by nature very wise, with the pure wisdom from beginningless time. By restricting ourselves through imputed views, stamping our opinions on each and every single thing, we limit our choices, we do not allow our natural wisdom to flow and find solutions. At times of difficulty, we get frustrated with negative emotions and think there is no way out. In fact, if we remain calm and do not overwhelm our minds with negative thoughts or stress our minds to come up with a solution, we will clearly see what the situation is, what are the possible solutions, what is the way to proceed. Do not stifle your minds with narrow opinions and negative emotions!

The phenomenal mind

Our mind, such a wondrous thing! We can conceive the biggest mountain in the universe (Mount Sumeru) and yet there will be no lack of space in our mind. It can conceive even more than this. We can conceptualize a little feather with our minds, yet it does not become roomier. By the power of the mind, such miracles like what Milarepa displayed to Rechungpa become possible, such as hiding from the rain in an ox's horn, without either Milarepa or the ox's horn changing in size. By the power of samadhis from meditative concentration, one can attain the miraculous powers to assist in teaching the Dharma in a way suitable to the understanding of each individual and developing faith and devotion in those to be tamed by miraculous powers. Let's be diligent in our practice! There is no greater happiness and bliss than to lead our past mothers and other loved ones across the shore of suffering to everlasting peace.

Conventional and ultimate reality

Examine our lives and all that is around us, they are nothing more than dreams and illusions. What will come, will pass - this is what we see. In actual fact, there is no real coming or going. There is a perfectly pure, calm, wise and stainless nature which underlies each of us. What thoughts appears in our mind are like ripples on the ocean of this nature. Out of nowhere, they arise and out of no reason or rhyme, they merge back seamlessly. So the nature of our thoughts, regardless of what we conventionally categorize them as, are in actual fact perfectly pure. If we do not force our imputed views onto people, objects, thoughts etc., the pure enjoyment of this perfect nature would descend and that will be indescribably the ultimate bliss and happiness we can experience, beyond any worldly desires, achievements, praise or victory. We would be able to see everything as it truly is. In a similar way, even if our stocks crash, we lose loved ones, we lose our jobs, we get terribly sick or have problems in our relationships, know in actual fact how little such trials and tribulations matter, they will eventually pass. What disturbs you is not this seeming problems, but how you perceive them in your mind. Let go of hatred and self-pity, step back and see that it is all like a dream, just like how times past become like a dream. Allow the ocean to regain its natural calm. Do not abandon what seems like an impure and polluted world, its nature is perfectly pure. Yet do not intentionally seek to destroy what you perceive as unreal and therefore of little consequence, the law of karma never fails. Except the truly enlightened and awakened, the rest of us are deluded and cloud our true nature more and more with selfish hopes, desires, envy, ignorance and hatred. Just one moment is what is one needs, one moment to let go of all conceptions and prejudices, and you will see your true nature and never be suffering anymore. When will your moment come?

Dealing with Difficulties

These four years, I have been increasingly more involved in helping out at my Buddhist centre, from more manual work and token help such as clearing the cushions, sweeping the floor etc. to more scholastic work like managing the website, helping out with publications and now it is doing more of management work and having to cover up for whatever work has not been done. It has been a very bumpy ride, but I think I have learnt a lot from it. I have learnt that you never know how difficult things can be until you have gone through it yourself, this has taught me to appreciate what others have done and also learn to think from the position of others and be more caring. I have picked up very interesting skills which I would never have picked up had I not volunteered so much of my time. I have learnt how humans easily miscommunicate. I have learnt how rewards need not be external and truly come from yourself. I have learnt how I handle stress, tiredness and obstacles. I have learnt not to break down when things seem impossible, as nothing is really that important. I have learnt to learn from mistakes and move on, instead of crying over spilt milk. I have learnt to appreciate free time. I have learnt to appreciate the help of family and friends. I have learnt that no matter what limits you think you had, they can be stretched. Life ultimately will not be interesting without its many ups and downs. And without the challenges, you will never be forced to look at yourself and see who you really are and celebrate that. We have the limitless potential of being a Buddha, someone enlightened and broken free from all illusions and delusions. When we are quiet and calm, we find inner peace and delight. The ultimate goal of a human is to fulfill your own potential, to live from strength to strength and discover all your qualities and beauty. Nothing is really bad and nothing is really good. Let go of all pre-conceptions and be free.

Factions in Buddhism

Strange and hard to believe, within the Vajrayana Buddhist Community, there are factions that are seemingly opposing to many, caused by the affable and greatly respected Dalai Lama. The first problem is that of the 17th Gyalwa Karmapa, the spiritual head of the Karma Kagyud lineage.

There are 2 Gyalwa Karmapas, HH Urgyen Trinlay Dorje, recognized by HH Dalai Lama and HH Trinlay Thaye Dorje, recognized by the late HE Chogye Trichen Rinpoche and HH Sharmar Rinpoche. The separate recognitions have split the entire Buddhist community who is in the know into 3 sides, 2 sides each supporting 1 Gyalwa Karmapa and 1 side on the fence.

This is amazingly sad, Buddhism stresses on equanimity and peace, but there is a resulting uneasiness in the Karma Kagyud lineage and also in those of other Yanas and lineages due to this issue. On the surface both factions go about conducting Dharma activities and go through similar Buddhist practices. However there are consequential repercussions resulting from this problem, the issue of who will take over the 16th Karmapa's premises, monasteries and buddhist centres; separate recognitions of reincarnations other Rinpoches and lineage masters causing there to be 2 recognitions of the reincarnation of the same person; restrictions on the faction that supports HH Trinlay Thaye Dorje by monasteries and Buddhist communities who are devoted to HH Dalai Lama; the struggling in devotees between devotion to the lineage and general Buddhist doctrine where we should love all sentient beings as if they are our past Mothers and also that respect should be shown towards all who have taken up monastic vows. Devotees who were practising together in the time of the 16th Karmapa now belong to different centres, there is no enmity, not if a person is a true practitioner, but there is a lingering sadness.

Too much discussion on this issue would result in negative feelings, which are contrary to the Buddhist practice. So the most common way of handling the issue is complete avoidance. Those who are devoted to HH Trinlay Thaye Dorje are, I believe, still devoted to and respect HH Dalai Lama, being a great compassionate Bodhisattva, but it is hard to ignore the fact that they are like an abandoned child. They should also respect HH Urgyen Trinlay Dorje, who even if they believe is not the actual reincarnation of the 16th Karmapa, is also a good practitioner, who has studied extensively the Buddhist doctrines, skilled in conducting pujas and extensively spread the Buddha Dharma throughout the world. In fact, it may even be considered a good thing that there are 2 Karmapas, considering the flourishing of Buddhism internationally through the efforts of both. If only there is a way to come to a common understanding, such as that they are 2 emanations of the 16th Karmapa and therefore both valid.

The other problem is that within the Gelug lineage itself, the dissension caused by the practice of the Dharma protector Shugden. I shall not go into details about how the practice originated, but Shugden, according to some sources, was in his lifetime a candidate to be Dalai Lama and subseqently did not make the selection. There was a Buddhist debate between him and the then Dalai Lama and subsequently he was found dead for reasons unknown. But there are those who believe that he had vowed to protect the Gelug lineage and therefore the practice of Shugden arose. Having some understanding of the origination of the practice of Shugden, it is easy to know why it could be that it is censured by the Dalai Lama (or is it really him or his administration), since 1) the protector was not recognized by Buddha or the wrathful emanation of some Bodhisattvas or Buddhas, 2) there seems to be a negative connotation to the Dalai Lama, that there is some feud between Shugden and the Dalai Lama.

Apparently since that time when the practice originated, it has been continuously practiced by most within the Gelug lineage. Most of the living masters now have received initiations or empowerments by their own gurus for this practice. But this year, the Dalai Lama's office issued a statement banning the practice of Shugden as an unorthodox practice. I can imagine the great confusion that might result internally in the Shugden practitioners. Having done countless offerings, countless puja sessions, they must now give up on the protector they had always shown devotion to and think of the protector as evil. And they must teach their devotees to do the same.

I am in no position to make statements or take sides, I am after all of the Kagyud lineage. But an event in Singapore led me to ponder how sad it is that there is another dissension between followers of the same lineage. One Gelug centre in Singapore wanted to hold an exhibition of Buddhist relics. Normally it is a great meritorious thing to do, but this time, due to the statement from Dalai Lama's office, the majority of the Buddhist community were afraid to go to the exhibition as they did not want to be seen defying the Dalai Lama or they were afraid that they might be affected by the evil protector. Some even started to gossip and say that the relics were not real. Having said all that, I did not attend the exhibition myself. Consulting my own guru, the conclusion is to stay neutral. As someone who have helped to organize Buddhist events, I sympathized with the organizers of the Buddhist Relics exhibition. They went to some great lengths and costs to invite relics and book a large exhibition area, advertise, garner volunteer helpers and in the end, the turnout is miserly. It is the nightmare of any event organizer. The worst thing is that I am sure they all thought they were doing something meaningful and meritorious but now they are censured as "evil" and "unorthodox".

Having said that again, I am still not taking sides, before this happened, I had no inkling of the existence of Shugden. I just am sad that the Gelug lineage is also split into two, those who insist to continue practising Shugden and those who avoid the practice.

Such problems give a bad image of Buddhism to those who are non-believers, I am embarassed and uneasy to let them know that such problems exist. It is in such contradiction to Buddhism to have "conflicts", even though in actual fact the "problems" do not hinder the practice of the Buddha Dharma.

I am still waiting for the day we all give up the concept of names and invisible grouping and are able to sit together harmoniously without feeling of uneasiness and just practice the Dharma together. Just because there are 2 Karmapas or one faction practising Shugden and the other not practising it, it does not mean that there are 2 different brands of Dharma. Dharma is the ultimate realization of reality as taught by the Buddha, enlightenment must be self-realized, although we need to have proper guidance from our root gurus and must take refuge in the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha before the realization can occur. Regardless which apparent side or faction we appear to be, I say why bother what others say or think? Continue to do your daily Buddhist practices, which you know to be beneficial through your own understanding and analysis. Continue to meditate. Continue to read the Sutras, the Abhidharma, the Vinaya. Continue to consult the Shastras to further your understanding. Buddhists are not blind followers, the Buddha always encouraged questioning and understanding. Don't believe if you don't understand, raise questions. What we are seeking is the ultimate happiness, never-changing happiness, the constant peace and clarity of our minds. For all sentient beings and for ourselves. Cultivate Bodhicitta and practise the 6 paramitas and the 8-fold path, it is clearly the way as it benefits all. The apparent obstacles we seem to face will not be obstacles if we do not let our minds be disturbed by it.

Ulcer...ouch!

I just had an ulcer which caused me a lot of pain for a few days. I didn't want to smile or speak too much, it irritated me when I was eating or drinking. Now it is much better and I feel just like before. But when I was having it, I felt a lot of suffering.

I told myself that it will pass, just as so many unpleasant things had. All phenomenon are impermanent, whether good or bad or neutral. Also I tried to put in the practice of lojong (exchanging oneself for others), and made the wish that everyone who were having the same suffering as me could be relieved of their suffering, may I alone bear the pain. It makes one feel very good when you can help and take on the sufferings of others.

Buddhism in my life

I credit most of my exposure to Buddhism to my wonderful mother. If not for her, I might have started very late or not at all to understand this profound and astoundingly wonderful philosophy of life. When I was very young, I would often join in the early morning prayer sessions of my grandmother and my mother. Not that I understood much at that time. The text recited was of the Mahayana tradition and the chanting would be in Teochew which was beautiful but difficult to do. I have often been amazed at the power of their lungs! My mum frequently brought me to different temples. The one I visited very frequently at first was my grandmother's Buddhist Centre in Upper Serangoon. It was in a small bungalow and it was called "Qi Oon". As children, my sister, cousins and I were very carefree and do not frequently sit still. We would play beneath the mango trees, using the white chalky stones in the gardens to draw pictures and play at cooking or playing catching. There were times we were seated in the shrine hall, and I remember vaguely the reverend throwing out rice, ringing a bell and doing hand mudras. He was also wearing a funny hat. I thought it was very interesting. Only until now do I know that particular master, who has since passed away, was actually a Theravada monk who continued on to practice Vajrayana. He was later of the Nyingma lineage. Then when I was older I started Dharma classes. My mother would bring me to a Mahayana temple somewhere very remote (I think it was in Punggol) every Sunday. I really liked the place, it was very peaceful, big and beautiful. The reverend abbot was very benevolent. There was also an old aged home belonging to the temple. We not only learned about the foundations of Buddhism (e.g Eightfold Path, Four Noble Truths, story of Buddha's life - at least that is what I think was taught, I cannot remember in detail now) but also had extra curricular activities. I joined a music class and was taught to play drums using my hands and also using sticks. But I must admit my sense of rhythm is terrible. Till now I cannot master playing 2 beats with one hand and 3 beats with the other at the same time. For a period of time, my mother was a fervent devotee of Ven. Fa Zhao of the Golden Pagoda Temple. She brought me there very frequently, when she took lessons in tying Chinese knots, when she was helping out at the temple or when she was joining pujas there. The style of chanting was Chinese Mahayana, and I was still amazed how people could keep up. It was very lovely but when slow the notes were drawn very long and when fast, it was a little too fast for me. The most beautiful time was when there were lamp offerings. There would be no lights in the whole temple and everywhere people were carrying big flower lamps and passing the flame from one person to another. I remembered an auntie asking me what mantras I knew or what I chanted. I told her I usually chant the name of Avalokitesvara (Namo Guan Shi Yin Pu Sa) and also the mantra of Jun Di Fo Mu (an incarnation of Avalokitesvara). That was about all I knew at that time. Later my mum taught me to memorize the Heart Sutra, which I recite frequently, even now. But I have switched to chanting "Om Mani Padme Hung" instead of the name of Avalokitesvara. My mum told me that I was the god-daughter of Guan Yin (Avalokitesvara) and I must have the utmost devotion and respect for Guan Yin. Every year, during the birthday of Guan Yin, we would go to the Guan Yin temple at Tembeling Road to offer incense. To me, there is no confusion regarding the gender of one of the most well-known Bodhisattvas. Form is emptiness and emptiness is form. Male or female, the Bodhisattva manifests as he/she wills, in order to benefit sentient beings. The Bodhisattva is not attached to his/her form, it is sentient beings who are attached to form and develop attachment or aversion.

Choice of career

I have always had a passion for life and gamingly try new experiences. As for interests, I count too many. The first career I recall wanting to have was to be a forensic scientist (read: CSI). That was just because of an offhand comment by my maths teacher that forensic scientists earn a lot as few would want such a job and it is interesting investigating into questionable deaths. Unfortunately, my secondary school struck such a path off from my life by saying no-no to my doing biology. Agreeably, I didn't make much of a protest since I have always been one to go with the flow and avoid confrontations. They had a basis in any case, my grades were not exactly top-notch, could a lackadasical student ever make it to medicine?

Next up on the list of dream jobs was to be an architect. The work of architects has so much to do with our lives in general, besides the obvious aesthetics, they need to consider what is most beneficial to humans in terms of our living spaces, freedom of movement, hygiene, comfort, lighting etc. They can work with so many different materials and work with so many people from different arenas to coordinate the culmination of the building. Unfortunately again, I didn't really think beforehand of what was required for the course and was glaringly short of a portfolio. The possibilty of not making the cut from draughtsman to trainee architect also was frightening, the distinction would be too great. Cost was also a big factor, for most of the projects, a lot of money had to be spent to acquire the necessary materials and fun though the projects may be, they jabbed deep into the purse.

So there we have it, I was 18 with two dream jobs vanquished like soap bubbles. I started to become even more impractical and thought of taking a degree in dancing. I have a natural gift for dancing and a passion for music but no money to pay for it. I didn't want to let my parents pay for something that could be a bad investment.

So what was left were the safe choices. Business, engineering and the new field of computer science. My dad had the belief that I would have the best future (read: make devilishly good money) in this line so there was that. Easy-going me was open to any challenges.

Now with a honours degree under my belt and 4 years of working in IT, I do question whether I should have been more insistent on pursuing my dream job. I cannot say I regret going into this line as I have learnt and enjoyed learning what it offers, I always liked to work my brains. The creativity employed might not always be artistic, but I do like finding new ways of getting around a problem. IT is all about solutions. It is a tool to make life easier, even though when it is badly done, it is as irritating as a sore back. There is less to say about the ones making the solutions. Incredible satisfactions come with the end product, but we architects of the software really do suffer at times. The hours are inhuman, especially if you have clients who support shift work. As professionals, we do not get paid overtime, yet with the work we do, we should be called labourers. I question if it is all worthwhile. Stability is a key to happiness for me, I do not want to be destitute and hence the safe option of slogging for dollars. Yet I do want the decency of planning life outside of work to do things I want, like learning Gu Zheng, chinese medicine, take up a design course, charity work, hanging out with friends, travelling, hiking, diving etc. There is so much to life to explore outside of work. Religious practice is especially important for me, the peace and well-being felt during practice is undescribable, I truly believe the ultimate happiness it will lead me to.

The question is now however, am I happy now? There are moments where I feel stressed or gloomy, but on the whole, I am ok. If I catch myself ruminating over some uncomfortable matters, I will try to look at something pleasant, like a beautiful flower, trees or the blue sky and think how lucky I am to be able to enjoy such simple pleasures. In the end, when required to, we can only do our best in our work, but let's not stress ourselves out thinking about the same problem when it is past or when we are not working. Smell the flowers, I say!